The Pressure of Being Special

I've had this thought since Sunday that I’ve been meaning to share. These aren’t objective claims, just observations from my own experience. As time continues, I realize that even though many people seem to be fascinated with this idea of being “special” or standing out in some fashion, we don't often realize the amount of pressure associated with the label, especially when it’s framed as something divine. Please know that I am in no way attempting to come off as a narcissist who considers themselves special. That is a label that has never really been attached to my person. Still, I know a few people who are considered “special” or even “chosen” in some way.

There is this boy at my church. For the sake of his privacy, I will omit any identifying facts. He is a few years younger than me, and we’ve essentially grown up together. I was his Sunday school teacher, his sister was in my Sunday school group as a kid, and after I left my childhood church,  his family followed. There is a meaningful amount of history there, and they are people I treasure greatly. But this boy was born with a critical condition. His life is nothing short of a miracle, and even though he was told his life would be full of complications, he’s one of the most lively people I know. He beat all the odds and lived the opposite of the life the doctors had predicted.

We were discussing something along these lines during our Sunday Bible study. My Mother, His mother, his sister, and I joined him at the table as we have for many Sundays now in place of your typical Sunday morning church. Our Bible study centered around 1 Peter 4:1-11. It's Tuesday, so truthfully, I don’t quite remember the specifics of how the topic came about, other than the fact that we were talking about verse ten.

“ Like good stewards of the manifold grace of God, serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received.” - 1 Peter 4:11(NRSV)

While discussing gifts, someone at the table expressed the belief that individuals who have experienced near-death situations (particularly at birth) or who have survived conditions with a 99% likelihood of death hold a unique kind of specialness compared to others. They mentioned how people like this were specifically chosen by God to fulfill a purpose or carry out some sort of mission. They were obviously alluding to the boy at the table and later named him as the inspiration for their statement.

And while I don’t entirely disagree, I believe that the verbiage with which statements like these are said can do more harm than good. To be singled out like this, to be told you are so devoted and have so much biblical potential, would terrify me. It's something entirely out of your control. Yet, you have to meet the expectation. When you are placed in the spotlight like that, there is no room for mistakes. No room for missteps. The expectation people have of you, all of a sudden, becomes everything you’ve ever been. To be placed into that box, with no room for taking the risky decisions that lead to growth and learning, is scary. I believe too, when we begin to place those expectations, especially on teenagers or children, they grow up with a sense of fear, of responsibility. They feel not only responsible for their own lives but also responsible for the perception others have of their lives.

And the reason I say that “divine specialty” (entirely made-up term btw) is different from “skill-based specialty” is because the latter typically comes after the growing process. But with “divine specialty” comes a predicted/prophesied sort of responsibility. It's not about getting praised for doing something; it's about getting praised for what you are expected to do. This is worse in my opinion. It haunts me to think that these children will most likely live with these burdens and potentially base their own self-worth on their ability to fulfill an entirely preconceived idea of who they are supposed to be. Not who they are.

On the few occasions I’ve received high praise for something or been acknowledged for my ability to do something, I can’t help but attach those moments to the wave of nerves that rushes over me as I think about the fact that I now have expectations to fill. But at least in those circumstances, the situations were heavily in my control. I think about statements like the one I mentioned before; however, Statements like those that are attached to a divine or holy purpose seem far more daunting. I’ve never been considered spiritually or biblically special in the same way. I always seemed to fall right under the radar. Nevertheless, I’ve been praised in the past for my ability to write solid essays, for example. That came at the hands of turning in work that was awful, of getting critiqued over and over again, of having to correct mistake after mistake, and of turning my second language into a powerful tool. But no one saw that. And now that I am where I am, the praise comes, but no one will ever have to witness the failure of it all. At least not with much frequency.

I worked as a 7th-grade math teacher at the age of 19. It was a year of so much growth but also so much learning. Those kids taught me more than they will ever know. But I think one of the lessons that stuck with me the most was that if a child feels pressured or forced towards some expectation, they will most likely become overwhelmed and shut down. I saw it all the time. If I were to be overbearing in my pre-algebra class about how they were my advanced group and were supposed to be ahead, it created an unhealthy environment. They stressed about disappointing me, shut down, compared themselves to other students, and felt dumb. I had a student tell me as much once. It's not about setting expectations or forcing anyone to be anything. Sometimes, being the adult is about creating an environment where kids feel comfortable enough to show us who they want to be, and it is our responsibility as adults not to offer up a rulebook or a checklist, but rather to nurture their own perceptions of themselves to be the most fulfilled and complete versions of themselves.

And all of this ties back to the divinic specialty I spoke of before. I have nothing against raising children under the values found in the Bible. There is some genuinely good stuff in there. However, raising a child from a young age with the thought that they must fulfill some sort of divine mission removes the room they may have had to feel comfortable in making mistakes in order to learn from them. They lose their sense of self. No longer being their own person with unique characteristics, but rather becoming a symbolic creature for the fulfillment of other people's desires and expectations.